i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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