If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
