I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
