By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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