Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
