Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
