So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
