I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
