My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will pee on everything he values.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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