I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
