i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
