All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
