a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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