I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
