I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
