My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
