I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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