it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
