The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
