im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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