I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
