I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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