this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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