oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
