last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
