The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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