She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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