so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
