I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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