making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
