i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
