I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
