I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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