I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
