I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
