Screwed.edu
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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