my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
