Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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