it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
