I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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