im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
