I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
