We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
