apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
