I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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