dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
