I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
