I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's just like the Real World with babies
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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