this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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