You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
