I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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