Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
