had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
