I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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