What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just tell him i said nine months
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
